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Terms for Newbie Singles - Bondage Fetish Scene
As a bondage fetishist, you will
probably notice a difference in what terms mean to you, as opposed to what they
mean to other types of fetishists.
D/s, D&S, Ds =
DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION
This is the most comprehensive term for the world of fetish play, though it
does miss a few individual categories: some fetish acts do not assign a top or
bottom role.
B/D, B&D, BD = BONDAGE
& DISCIPLINE
This refers to play of physical restraint plus application of physical or
mental stimulation or duress. BONDAGE and DISCIPLINE can be separate! Don't use
the term BD and lump them together unless you do mean both.
S/M, S&M, SM =
SADOMASOCHISM
Original meaning: a person interested in application of pain, or receipt of
pain. The term then widened to refer to play which stimulates the senses in any
unusual way. This stage also saw the term sometimes being called Sex Magic. The
term is now being loosely applied to all players and fetishists, which I think
is an unfair overgeneralization. (I've seen SM writers lump all sexual
variations as "SM". For a basic foot fetishist, it is erasure to be
labeled as an SM player.) However, the culture trend right now is making
"SM" the umbrella term. I've noticed it's mostly actual SM players
who are pushing this label to cover all types of players and fetishists.
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More Terms to Enhance your Experience!
BDSM = all of the above -
An umbrella term that is growing in popularity. Unfortunately, it doesn't
exactly include pure object fetishists.
FETISHIST
A person who regards an object or body part as sexual. Psychology's hard line
states that a true fetishist is one who can't achieve sexual gratification
unless they involve their fetish -- but psychologists seem to only meet that
.0005%; most of the fetishists I've known were also able to enjoy themselves
without involving their fetish every time. I tend to overuse the term
"fetishist" to refer to many sexual variations. Many people tell me I
shouldn't refer to myself as a "bondage fetishist." But
"bondagist" sounds goofy.
DOMINANT, MASTER, TOP, CAPTOR, ACTIVE
PLAYER, SUBMISSIVE, SLAVE, BOTTOM, CAPTIVE, PASSIVE PLAYER
There are many related terms for the complementary roles of D/s. Taken
narrowly, these terms usually refer to the role or actions engaged in DURING
PLAY; most people do not behave submissively or dominantly 24 hours a day. No
one term covers all people satisfactorily, and in particular, many of these
labels translate poorly for bondage players. For example, if Jon pretends to be
a burglar and he grabs and ties me up, he would be taking a dominant role, but
if I resist and enjoy struggling against him, I'm not really being
"submissive."
Here are rough translations of the paired
terms, though you'll find other explanations that differ: Dominant &
submissive. Noun and/or verb. "I am a Dominant person and my submissive
relinquishes control to me." "I feel like being dominant
tonight."
Dominate & submit. Action.
"I would like to dominate you, will you submit?" (Dominate is NOT A
NOUN. You are not "a dominate male.")
Master & slave (Mistress & slave).
Roles. Each person takes on a fantasy of sexual
identity. This is usually temporary and only lasts as long as the scene does.
There are very few people who stay in these roles all the time.
Top & bottom. Noun
and/or verb. This refers to activities more than roles, since some people like
to do D/s actions without assumption of roles or one person playing submission.
The Top is the person administering the scene, the bottom receives it. The
terms do not literally mean being on top or lying on the bottom, nor having
things done to a butt. However, the term sounds confusing in spanking, because
the bottom is indeed getting things done to his/her bottom. Used as verbs:
"I would like to top you. Do you like to bottom?"
Captor & captive.
Noun. You'll rarely see these terms used except in the bondage sub-culture.
"Captive" is a particularly useful term for bondagers because it
encompasses scenes where the bottom is not submissive, they are resisting or
playing a non-compliant role. Some players use the word victim instead; the
only reason I use that less frequently is, in mainstream culture it describes
someone who has actually been harmed by a power-loss experience.
Active & passive. Verb.
Very general terms for play, and can be occasionally used if you're not sure
whether someone considers themselves a top, or a dominant. Still, exceptions
blur these terms. In most play, the active person is the top, but there are
also scenes where the bottom is the one being physically active, such as a
servant bringing things to the Mistress.
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TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM
A philosophically and sociologically loaded term, usually meant to be a
negative label. Narrowly speaking, it's a bottom who is disrupting the scene by
trying to over-control the top. However, some tops take this to mean that
bottoms should just shut up and put up with whatever happens. A bottom should
be able, at any time, to negotiate the scene, re-negotiate the scene, or
volunteer information if something is going wrong. Beyond that, there is a
range of play styles; some tops like you to tell them what you like all the way
through the scene.
CAPITALIZATION
There is a convention in the D/s Scene that Tops -- both roles and names --
begin with a capital letter, and bottoms -- both roles and names -- begin with
a lower case letter. In the most casual form, this would translate to,
"Hello, my name is Mistress Vanessa and this is my slave tim." The
most formal players would write this as "Hello, My name is Vanessa and
this is My slave tim."
You don't have to follow this convention for your own name, role, or writings
unless you wish to. The general etiquette is to address people the way they
like to be addressed. This doesn't mean, however, that you must call a stranger
"Master Charles" when you're not his own sub. I would call such a
person Charles.
SAFEWORD
A word, sound or motion that communicates a need to change something in the
scene. A safeword is not exactly needed if you're playing a scene sans role,
because in that context you can just tell the partner what they need to know.
However, if you're going into role and don't want to leave role to discuss
adjustments, or if you'll be gagged and can't communicate clearly, decide on a
safeword (or several) before beginning a scene. Common safewords are
"red" and the word "safeword." My safeword is barking
through my gag.
People use safewords differently. For some, the use of a safeword means
"stop the scene immediately." For others, it simply means something
needs adjustment. My barking safeword means that I need the top to ask me
what's wrong (he might have to take out the gag to find out). Be sure you let
other players know what they should do if a safeword is used.
PLAYER
A person who participates in a scene, scenes, or fetish activities.
DRESSER
A person who likes dressing in fetish wear or leather, and might be mistaken
for a player, but their actual fetish is the dressing. Don't take it seriously
if you hear people criticizing dressers for not playing; we don't all have to
be players!
SCENE
A scene is a time period during which D/s play occurs. You can use this term to
refer to a certain act, or to the entire time that you stay in play mode. If I
get abducted & hogtied, then chair-tied, then spread-eagled, I can either
refer to it as 3 bondage scenes or one long abduction scene.
"IN" SCENE
Variant term for the ongoing scene. "They were 'in scene' so they didn't
notice the rest of us staring."
"THE" SCENE
The Scene is used to refer to a community, subculture, play group, club, the
internet fet subculture, etc. It all depends on which "The Scene"
you're talking about. If I'm conversing with a friend about "The
Scene," they will know which one I'm referring to by the content. For
instance:
"The [Los Angeles] Scene has a lot of
good membership clubs, but it could use some public clubs like New York
has."
"The [online Bondage] Scene is really
vast, with a lot of good websites and chatrooms and people, but it's hard to
track everything down because of all those SM sites that call themselves
Bondage."
"The [play] Scene has been really dead
lately, I can't find any good play parties to go to."
"The [international] Scene is slowly
becoming more connected and communicative, thanks mostly to the Internet."
You'll sometimes hear people refer to The
Community instead of The Scene. "Community" tends to emphasize
organizations, information structures and emotional support, while
"Scene" tends to emphasize play and socializing that is
play-directed.
BONDAGER, BONDAGEMASTER
These terms are mixed too loosely for my taste. If you're the only one in your
community who does bondage, the other players might think you're amazing and
call you a bondagemaster. But here's a hint: if your non-bondage friends say
you're a bondagemaster, and you call yourself a bondagemaster, but you've never
heard one of your captives identify you as a bondagemaster (of their own
volition), then... you're actually a bondager, not a master. You need to start
asking your subjects what you could be doing better.
Variation: ropemaster.
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